This 'vacation' is turning out to be one of which..I wish I had never taken.

I know it's horrible to say; I enjoy metting family members I never have seen before; and Marvis has been such a wonderful host; and a very kind person...

But memories, realizations, and thoughts have come up to which....
I don't even want to keep in touch with my family anymore.
The thing I like about the people I've been meeting here is that I might not see them again for a few years..



and since I really have nobody to talk to here...
Fuck, I can't even be MYSELF. I have to act like a good christian girl who doesn't swear, who's ever had premarital sex,
who doesn't have a boyfriend at all really...

*tears up a bit* I just wanna go home now...
I'm done here.
It's beautiful and all. But the emotional issues that are coming up more and more with each passing hour are making me start to break.


So if you are still reading this...
I wanna say..
I know my life isn't THE WORST.
I know I am lucky to have a roof over my head; clothes on my back,food in my belly,
And good friends who care...

But enough is enough..


My worst memory- The reason why I'm having to bite hard from getting ready to beat the hell out of my grandmother and turn on my aunt.

When I was ounger, 7 to 9 years old.
My grandmother ((My 'Nana') Watched my cousins and I during the summer months when I wasn't in school.
My cousins are spoiled brats. No lie.
If you look in their rooms now; they have internet in their rooms, TV with extended cable, Expensive top of the line electronics,
Ipods AND Zunes. All the game consoles one can think up.
Psp, Playstation 3, Xbox, Ext...

Anyways.
One afternoon; my youngest cousin tackled me to the ground; we had been playing agame ((as small children do)) and he demanded 'where's the treasure?!' as he basically sat on my chest.
My grandmother came into the room that moment and out of startlel; both of us jumped...
My grandmother demanded what we were doing; seperating us and interrogating us.
My cousin, thinking he's in trouble simply shrugged and said nothing.
I tried to tell the truth, to which my sick, demented grandmother refused to believe.
she CALLED both my aunt; and my mother. And as I found out the other night..She said to my mother that I was teaching my cousin how to play 'stinky finger'.....

People. I'm only about 7 years old I have NO idea what sex even IS!
Let alone foreplay!!!
And my aunt was told the same thing and she FREAKED out.
Dragging me off to her bedroom; she came in and started to SCREAM at me..Interrogating me as to how I 'learned such filth'

Did my mother not watch me?
Did someone touch me?
did my dad touch me?

......
My mother was infuriated when she reached the house.
I was in tears; scared and unknowing as to what my Aunt was asking me, and why I was in so much trouble.
And even to this day and age.
My aunt acts like I'm going to molest my younger cousins....



My Grandmother now..
She denies EVERYTHING. She KNOWS that was fucked up and ruined a part of my childhood...
She talks nonstop about my aunt, and my cousins.
Like the sun rises and sets on them.
She's ALWAYS played favorits. Always..
And it's evident, even today. She's buying them a crapload of gifts from Indiana, She's working nonstop on these stupid quilts forthem for Christmas, and I even asked if she could make me one. ((they wont appreciate the home-made gift like I would. I know it.)) and It's been 3 years.

...3 years.


*sighs softly*
and as for my Aunt?
She's trying to adopt a baby girl from Russia.
Remember my journal about my wanting to help her get a child?
I resent it.
In fact. I'm disgusted at myself for even bothering to offer a part of MYSELF to aid her.
I'm happy she refused me.
And I hope she doesn't get that baby from Russia.
Seriously.
Because she's already making her TEENAGE boys share rooms, again.
And she's going to act like I'm going to molest her baby-girl too....

My mother?
She's a tyrant.
A demanding woman who doesn't understand what she has.
She acts like I do nothing to help her; when really.. I DO.
I clean the house; I help her get the baby ready when she has to leave... I try to take care of the animals...
I do so much. And she acts like I don't do anything; and then. To boot, when I DO perform chores; It's ALWAYS half assed.
Not as good as to how she can do it, even though she's sitting her 300+ lbs ass on the couch eating a Klondike bar. And my "stepfather" works his ass of at work; and doesn't bother to see the family...
I've counted the days he hasn't left that computer chair except to eat,pee, or smoke.


Myself...
Completely and whole..
I know I act like a tomboy- The realization I came to?
I acted like a little boy....To be accepted by my grandmother more. Like an abused child, even ater the beating. I tried to be loved by her and the rest of my family.
and by acting like a boy, I figured that would work.
Now; I'm more groing into womanhood and embracing the female I am.

Aversion to sex?
It's a good thing. It is.
I kept my virginity until I was 19 years old.
And thanks to that episode of 'my raping the kids' when I was 7.
I HATE people. People in general disgust me....
It's sad...I never admitted it...
I had to teach myself to enjoy sex with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong now!
He's one of the very few things that keeps me sane.
But sex...Before about 4 months ago was...Something I didn't care about at all.In fact it disgusted me..


My temper.

People, It's unhealthy and I try not to.
But I bottle up a LOT of feelings and emotion. I try to help others not do that because I know the misery of keeping it in.
I know what happens when you keep it all in and try to stay strong.

You get sad easily. And you develope not just a temper.
you come to hate people. Not just greatly dislike. I mean full out; want to pick up the nearest object to you and KILL someone.
I've been in and out of fights in my pre-teen years..
And I have such a terrible temper now..I don't take ANYTHING from anyone outside my family because...
I take too much from my family as it is.


My desire to be accepted and loved.
I know I don't act like it.
But I'm ALWAYS looking for love...To be accepted and even try to adopt a new family.
It's a reason why I keep my friends so very very very close.
Even if I haven't met them face to face.
I get so hurt and upset when I see people I care about upset;hurt; or angry.
I get so wounded over stupid things...

I have a LOT of emotional issues, of which. I'd rather not go into...



All of that above; brought forwards all at once in less than a week...
And there's many many more memories that sting me. But the worst is the one I posted.
And seriously, I don't care if my family reads this.

I'm apathetic now.




I want only a few things now.
To go home, Get a job, and get away...


To my friends here on Devart and outside who are reading this, more than likely shocked and angry...
I love you guys.
Don't forget that...Ever.
Now, I have to go.
the "family" is breathing down my neck to go eat breakfast...

I feel sick inside....